Hair Theory

I recently read an article on baby names, and what these names illustrate about the baby’s parents.

I skimmed the article, disagreeing with some of its assumptions, but agreeing with most. I began philosophizing (yes, it actually IS a word – don’t worry, I checked) about other telling aspects of normal life. Through this process (and a recent haircut) came the 'hair theory'.

I am the type of girl who bounces between long and short haircuts like (insert any celebrity here) bounces between spouses. Some women share this ‘sheering’ pleasure. Others are risk-taking ‘color-heads’. And still others are ‘trimmers’, staying loyal to a certain length and style most of their life.

You may think this is a random act of the cosmos, but you would be wrong. At least according to my theory (which is right, of course). No, I am sure it is connected deep within our inner female psyches.

For one thing, I am not a ‘trim’ type of woman. I feel like paying for a haircut is a waste of money if no one notices a difference; primarily if no one compliments me on it. I am ashamed to say that it is my means of being in the spotlight every now and again. I am the middle child of five, so unless I made myself the center of attention, I was easily skipped over. Needless to say, I love performing, I love public speaking, and...I love chopping off my hair.

Despite my love of attention, I am too scared to play too much with my color. I have gotten simple highlights in the past, but that has been the extent of my experimentation. The ‘color-heads’ have much more confidence than me, in this regard – when you chop your hair off, you always have the guarantee that it will grow back. I’ve talked to far too many color-heads to realize the same is not true in dying hair. One friend of mine admitted she did not even know what her natural hair color was anymore. I have always been envious of these edgy, risk-taking women, who look stunning as brunettes, blondes, red-heads, combinations of all three, or even the more exciting hair streaked with blue, purple, or pink. My cousin was one of these women – very artsy, and very experimental with her hair style and hair color. I always looked up to her for her uncanny ability to make any hairstyle, crazy as it was, absolutely, and fantastically cool. That’s what color-heads are – the epitome of cool.

And then there are the 'trimmers'...these are my friends that are amazed at my lack of attachment to my hair. When they see me chop it off, they tell me they like the cut and think it looks great, but admit they would never do the same to their own hair. They keep their hair around the same length and same style, though usually with modifications to make it more up to date (like parting on the side versus parting in the middle, bangs versus no bangs, layers or straight cut, etc.) I am not sure, as I am not one of these people, but I imagine that they must not care about whether someone notices their haircut or not. They don't need the lime-light that I crave. They enjoy attention from their close friends, who will definitely notice their trim, but could care less about distant acquaintances approaching them with comments on their style. These people, I think, tend to be more intimate people, and less attention-seeking. They are the loyal, never-let-you-down type; true to the end.

Obviously there are outliers within these three groups - images come to mind of the women who still wear their hair in the permed, teased, big-bang 80’s styles, despite the rest of the world’s forsaking this hair atrocity year’s ago – but I can’t even begin to conceptualize what lies in these women’s inner-most psyche’s (nor, really, do I care to know…). Honestly, this style is probably on its way back, and I am the one out of the loop…

And then there's the fact that you compliment someone's haircut whether you think it is the prettiest thing on the planet, or if you think it is the most hideous thing you have ever witnessed. That, too, deserves some psychoanalysis...

Gosh...I hope people actually like my haircut...